208. The Four Tendencies: Rebels, Upholders, Obligers and Questioners

Which One Are You?

I love personality quizzes, but few have impacted me as much as Gretchen Rubin’s The Four Tendencies. Before I go any further, if you want to take the quiz first, click the button below.

I should’ve known that a concept that impacted me so much would also inspire others as well. Of all the topics Sammie and I have covered on Build A Wealthy Spirit, this episode is not only one of the most popular, but also the one people often cite to us as having a major impact on them.

So what are The Four Tendencies? The Four Tendencies, are four categories of ways in which people are motivated. Rubin focuses mainly on whether people are internally motivated to do things or externally motivated to do things.

Think about yourself. Are you more likely to meet other people’s expectations of you or your own? If you wanted to work out more, do you simply decide it’s important to you and get to the gym? Or would it be more helpful if you had a buddy to work out with? Do you need to know “the why” behind what you’re doing? Or are you like me, and trying to create a structure is somewhat pointless.

Whichever one or two options resonate the most with you will tell you a bit about your tendency. Sammie and I break them down in the episode in great detail, but here’s the overview from Rubin’s website.

The Four Tendencies are Upholders, Questioners, Obligers and Rebels. They are broken down below:

Upholder: Meets outer expectations, meets inner expectations

Questioner: Resists outer expectations, meets inner expectations

Obliger: Meets outer expectations, Resists inner expectations

Rebel: Resists outer expectations, Resists inner expectations

In our gym example, an Upholder, like Sammie, would simply go because it’s important to her. She meets her inner expectations of herself. Let’s say though, I asked her to grab my prescription from the pharmacy afterwards. She’d add that to her list and also meet my outer expectation of her.

A Questioner would likely need to know the why behind going to the gym. If someone tells them, “who cares, just go,” they will resist that outer expectation. However, if they can understand the why for them going, they are happy to go to the gym everyday. This is also the person at your workplace who can get things done, if they buy into why they are doing something. They will not push a meaningless button simply to make someone happy. They need to know the reason behind it.

In our gym example, an Obliger would have trouble convincing themselves to go to the gym, even if they knew their why and they knew it was important to them. For Obligers, they struggle to meet their inner expectations. However, if they had an accountability buddy they had to meet at the gym each day, they would have a much easier time committing and seeing this goal through. They can meet outer expectations which much more ease.

Now, if you’re like a Rebel like me, this is a tough situation. If someone tells me to do something, like go to the gym, I’ll probably double down on not wanting to do it. Unfortunately, I treat my own expectations of myself the same way. I don’t listen to you or me. I’m glad I learned this about myself because it made me realize why I dislike time blocking (see a pop up? shut up, ignore!) and why I get bothered when people try to tell me to do things. As a Rebel, I have to find other ways to motivate myself. One way is to embrace the identity. I like going to my 6:30am yoga class because I’m like to think I can be an awesome morning person even I don’t like waking up early. No one else does it? Even better, challenge accepted.

When you listen to this episode of Build A Wealthy Spirit, Sammie and I share fun anecdotes about how our parents are both Rebels like me. Sammie is somehow the only Upholder. She’s the first in our family to follow a rule while the rest of us will see a rule or restriction as a challenge. It’s a fun dynamic in our family.

Take a listen to the episode and take the quiz so you can let us know in the comments if you’re an Upholder, Rebel, Obliger or Questioner! If you have any tips for your specific type, we’d love to here those too.

Show Notes:

• The Four Tendencies Quiz

• Gretchen Rubin’s Website

• The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better by Gretchen Rubin (Book)